Still co-dependent?

Today, I realized that I must still be co-dependent.  Though better than I was, I still have much learning to do.  As of June, 2012, I separated from my husband (again) and decided to focus on getting myself well.  But this time was to be different, and so far it has.  I will not allow my husband back into the house with me until he has proven self-sufficiency and that he can treat me with the respect I deserve.

For now, I am trying to learn to straighten up every aspect of my life that is a mess:  in other words, everything.  For over a year, the message stirring in my spirit is that I am not honoring God.  I don't honor him in my marriage.  I don't honor him in my housekeeping.  I don't honor him in the upbringing of my children.  I especially do not honor him in my finances.  I might slightly honor him in my work, but I don't give him credit for the work:  that is my source of pride and something that has been a stumbling block for me.

I read the following book in May, before I separated with my husband.  It helped me to feel empowered.  The only one to point any finger at is myself.  There is no reason my finances are in disarray, except me.  There is no reason that my children are disrespectful and have self-esteem problems, except me.  There is no reason my house is out of order, my children don't clean up after themselves, there is so much clutter, except me.  I am the root of all these problems, because I could have done something about it long ago, but instead I placed blame else where.

Boundaries in Marriage, Understanding the choices that make or break loving relationships, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Now, I plan on taking my life back and attempting to mend what I have allowed to be broken, including the hearts of my children.

It is very difficult when everyone you love treats you as though you did not matter.  I mean, why wouldn't they; that is what they saw their father do.  And I allowed it.

It is very difficult when everyone feels they don't have any responsibilities and it is all you.  Again, for the same reason, why wouldn't they.  Again, I allowed it.

I could go on and on, but I won't.

I began attempting to fix the areas of my life, with the guidance of the Lord.  Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps... it is very hard to achieve baby steps and fall back down sometimes.  I am almost finished with a Crown Financial class, but I will be taking it again.  I have learned a lot but nut sufficient.  Although my immediate debt is almost gone and my heart has changed regarding my money... It is actually the LORD's money.

I met someone along the way, but am no where near the place I need to be.  Neither is he.  But my mind will not let go.  I have grasped a hold of him in my heart and am practically addicted.  What on earth is wrong with me?

So, I figured I better take another look into the "Boundaries in Marriage" book.  I gleaned some of it, but looks like it is time to get some nuggets now.