Boundaries in Marriage Intro - A Tale of Two Couples

People can be legally married, but not be married. To be married is to be joined as one.  A piece of paper cannot do that.  To join as one is to be secure. To be secure is to be Emotionally Connected; the hearts are knit together.

Unhealthy marriages are those with an unhealthy balance.

"When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom."  (page 8, Paragraph 4). When both parties of the marriage do not take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it;  the other does not take on enough an becomes self-centered or controlling. (page 9, paragraph 4)

My marriage is exactly like this.   Everything is my responsibility.  The house, the kids, the finances... I am even responsible for how he is, feels, and does...  Resentment was so heavy that I began to complain outwardly.  This was built up over many and many years.

When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love, when they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. (page 9)

Fear is a big word in my house. Criticism was a frequent visitor; He practically controlled every movement of everyone in the house. No one ever knew how his anger or attitude was going to manifest, so it was best to just stay away or not do anything so as not to get criticized.  It is not like most of the time he was physically abusive.  In the beginning, he was abusive to me 3 times.  A phone call to the Sheriff put an end to that.  I know he was very abusive to my oldest daughter, though not in front of me.  My last 4 told me of times when he was abusive to them.  But he was ALWAYS emotionally abusive.  Nothing was ever good enough.  Too tall, too short, too straight, too crooked, too hard, too soft, you never knew what to do and when.  I never made my kids do too much then, because I felt the same.  Now, unfortunately, they are afraid to ask for things; for help; to approach people for what they want or need; they fear conflict.  I know the feeling.

Setting boundaries is not learning to control someone else, or forcing them to mature.  The solution is learning self-control, of the the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23).  This means "taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing him or her.(page 11)

I have got to learn how to react and how not to react; what to put my foot down on, and what to let pass by. I have got to stand up and not let anyone degrade me, my children, and my God!

"Marriage is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity.  It is the mystery of living as one flesh with another human being (Eph 5:31-32).