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Causes for Codependency


DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Overcompensation for a Dysfunctional family is considered a cause. A Dysfunctional family is defined as “in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.”
This portion is very true of my husband.

UNHEALTHY PARENTING SIGNS
List of unhealthy parenting signs which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:[5]
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Ridicule[6]
  • Conditional love[6]
  • Disrespect;[6] especially contempt
  • Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)[6]
  • Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child)
  • Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)[6]
  • Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems)[6]
  • Being under- or over-protective
  • Apathy "I don't care!"
  • Belittling "You can't do anything right!"
  • Shame "Shame on you!"
  • Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
  • Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do"
  • Unforgiving "Saying sorry doesn't help anything!"
  • Judgmental statements or demonization "You are a liar!"
  • Either no or excessive criticism (experts say 80–90% praise and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy[7][8][9])
  • Giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)
  • The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
  • Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children "We'll do it later"
  • Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
  • Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
  • Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
  • Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by "surprise") based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
  • Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
  • Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
  • "Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
  • Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
  • Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
  • The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
  • Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
  • Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important")
  • Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)
  • 'Kids as pawns"
  • Using (destructively narcissistic parents with rule by fear and conditional love)


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