I Feel Messages

The purpose of the "I Feel Messages" is to be able to express feelings, not point blame. Blame puts people on the defensive side. They are also intended just to express, not to get someone to do something. Also, it is important to note that it is easy to make it seem like others are controlling your emotions. You don't want your children to feel scared that their behavior makes their mommy sad, or controlling people to feel satisfied that their behavior has made you angry. It is a very delicate balance and takes wisdom and patience. I have many examples on the resource page.

Dr. Larry Alan Nadig, Ph. D, a Clinical Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist, says that the purpose of "I Feel Messages" is to:

• Express feelings productively.
  
• Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
  
• Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
  
• Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
  
• Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
  
• Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
  

Since "I Feel Messages" were merely intended to give someone the tools of expressing their feelings without appointing blame, then, no action is required. It is not to be a way of trying to get someone to do something, or change something. Unexpressed feelings build up and can cause stress and other emotional problems. Emotions should be expressed, but how you express them is what matters. You have a right to express them, but not violate someone else's personal rights in the process. See the resource page for "Personal Bill of Rights". You have a right to them, and so does the person you are expressing your feelings to.

Rori Raye is a relationship expert. She says that too often women express their feelings with an expected outcome. But we should get things off our chest in a mirror or a journal. We should express our state of feeling. It merely says how we feel about specific things. It doesn't assign blame.

Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., says that the "I Feel Messages" are often being used now to manipulate or control others. The purpose of these messages are to express what you feel. Not to express what you want others to do. Those goals can be achieved other ways, which she discusses more in-depth on this website. When it is your child that you want to do something, it is not proper to say "I feel very sad when you get C's on your report card". That puts too much pressure. And ultimately, that is saying someone else is controlling your feelings. In this article, the author does give examples of how to solve the other issues related to getting children to do what is expected of them. But "I feel messages" are not them. Also, she adds a very important point: Using I feel messages to achieve a specific result "assumes that the other person cares more about your feelings than about whatever satisfaction he gets from continuing to behave the way he’s behaving."

This website on anger counseling for children shows that with anger, there are only 3 ways of dealing with it:

1. "acting out" verbally or physically
2. "acting in" by holding it in until you explode
3. or numbing it by turning to external source for escape. This is like drugs, alcohol, sex, over-eating, work, etc

Assertive Ness for Children iMessages Communication Skills Peaceful Solutions - Conflict Resolution and violence prevention strategies Dr Nadig's Feelings Anger Counseling for Children Get your Angries out Google Search