I looked up the definition of codependent. According to Dictionary.com,
In summary, a person who is codependent is psychologically dependant on someone who is addicted to something. And in the lining of that cloud, the person has issues with self-esteem. |
Chemically dependent? |
My husband is chemically dependant, true. I used to think it was a joke when people said that they were "addicted" to marijuana. Well, the joke is on me. They can be. He used to have addictions to the big stuff like "crack". That was long before I met him. And he got rid of those addictions and stuck with marijuana.
I can't say that I blame him for turning to drugs on one sense. He told me of all the alcoholism from his father, and the physical and verbal abuse. But at some point, you just have to pick up the pieces and move on. And now he doesn't have any real abilities to cope with conflict. And when there are a few days without his crutch buddy, we all feel it. |
Psychologically dependent? |
No, this was not the answer. I could not be Psychologically dependant on him.
Another definition I remember was that I sought another individual to complete me, or fulfill my identity. This is so not me. It is just so hard for me to believe that people could be so mean and self-centered. I naively believe that people want what is best for everyone and that we all can and want to work together for the common good. HA! Guess I missed that lesson in "How to live in today's society" class. |
Self-Esteem Issues |
I know that there are many people who have self-esteem issues and do seek out others and rely on others to complete them.
I honestly feel that God created most of us to be joined as one in marriage. Many of us are just ignorant about our choices and the results of these choices. So, in God's words, our marriage partner does complete us to a sense. But at the time that I met my current husband, I was not a practicing christian. I had empty belief. I got saved and baptised when I was 13. Attended several churches here and there, but it was not an integral part of my life, nor was it even required to be part of my life. There are a number of good online sites for testing your self-esteem. That might be a good place to start. I did take a few self-esteem tests, and they all said that I had high self-esteem. |
That was not me |
So after just a little research and those two phrases: "Low Self-Esteem"
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Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
BIG MISTAKE!
What ensued was 10 years of misery, honestly. Additionally, I had more kids and put them through this same misery. I have not even forgiven myself for bringing all of my children into this disaster until just a few months ago. My emotional system went on overdrive several times.
What made me wake up?
My then 14 year old daughter told me that she wanted to give her life to Jesus. I was so happy that I cried. Then she said, "It is because people who are christians are usually more joyful, EXCEPT YOU. You are always miserable and complaining."
Talk about a Serious Wake up call!
But she was right. I had let my anger fester so much that I was walking around complaining, talking to myself, unhappy with almost everything. I let myself be victimized by my husband. And because they learn by seeing, I became a victim of my own children.
My Christian walk had taken me to a point where things had to change in order to be the christian that my Lord wanted me to be. I was holding myself back, and did not even know it. I counseled with several pastors here and there. But I belong to a church now that the Holy Spirit is moving in so many ways, in ways I have never felt before. The members of the church are truly my family, and the pastor, secondary pastor and the two youth pastors are so deeply involved in the Love of the Lord that you FEEL it. The church is filled with this LOVE and mercy and empathy... it led me on the path to inward-forgiveness, outward forgiveness, and a deeper peace and joy.
Now that I have a job that has EAP benefits, I have the ability to see a therapist. And the first word he pulled out of his box of many therapies:
Now that I have a job that has EAP benefits, I have the ability to see a therapist. And the first word he pulled out of his box of many therapies:
CODEPENDENT????!
There was that word again.... HOW!!!! I was screaming inside!There is more to the description of codependency that I should have paid attention to:
According Bill Urell, an editor at AddictionRecoveryBasics.com, codependency behavior is often found in a relationship with an addict. According to Wikipedia, Codependency can be called co-narcissism or inverted narcissism. Others call it the dysfunctional family. Finally, on the lighter end, it has also been termed enabling. The site also defines it as
The hard thing about this, it sounds like all Moms, doesn’t it?
“unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.”
According to Wikipedia, however, it is an extreme of the Mom self-sacrificial system because parental self-sacrifice can reach unhealthy and destructive levels. Parents who take care of their own emotional and physical needs are better equipped to handle parenting.
Enabling has a positive and negative connotation, as balance is always important. Enabling is a pattern that usually allows others to develop and grow. It is in a sense, empowering. However, it can be taken to an extreme and help perpetuate issues. The person who does the enabling takes responsibility for the other persons flaws. Then the other person is no longer empowered to make changes for the betterment of their lives, they are hindered as they now have an excuse. This prevents the responsible party from being held accountable because the other person always takes care of the repercussions. It prevents the other person from growing and negatively affects the enabler. Generally those that enable have low self-esteem, weak boundaries, and have difficulty being assertive.
Enabling has a positive and negative connotation, as balance is always important. Enabling is a pattern that usually allows others to develop and grow. It is in a sense, empowering. However, it can be taken to an extreme and help perpetuate issues. The person who does the enabling takes responsibility for the other persons flaws. Then the other person is no longer empowered to make changes for the betterment of their lives, they are hindered as they now have an excuse. This prevents the responsible party from being held accountable because the other person always takes care of the repercussions. It prevents the other person from growing and negatively affects the enabler. Generally those that enable have low self-esteem, weak boundaries, and have difficulty being assertive.
In English
When you do things for others that they can do for themselves, you essentially give them a reason or excuse not to do it, and not to grow.
Typical characteristics of codependency.
- placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others
- may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns
- Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent
- "that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval, sustenance, and so on." (AA)
- the older psychoanalytic concept of the 'passive dependent personality' ... attaching himself to a stronger personality."
- Martyr: Taking care of others needs so much to feel needed, cannot bear not being alone and not needed; they forget their own needs
- Constantly in search of acceptance
- When arguing, they set themselves up as the victim
Codependents Anonymous defines codependency as a disease that comes from dysfunctional families where children learn to overcompensate for their parents disorders and develop excessive sensitivity to others needs. Part of the characteristics of this dysfunctional family is the inability to confront or resolve conflict. This group indicates that codependency is an addiction problem, but not to chemicals, to behaviors. They came up with a checklist and a scale for measurement.
WHEN DID PEOPLE BEGIN CALLING IT CODEPENDENCY?
Alcoholics Anonymous found that the people who were alcoholics were actually only part of the problem. The people around them were just as responsible. The only way to break the alcoholic persons addiction was to: change the behavior pattern, and change the people around them that kept enabling the behaviors.
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