Boundaries in Marriage Intro - A Tale of Two Couples

People can be legally married, but not be married. To be married is to be joined as one.  A piece of paper cannot do that.  To join as one is to be secure. To be secure is to be Emotionally Connected; the hearts are knit together.

Unhealthy marriages are those with an unhealthy balance.

"When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom."  (page 8, Paragraph 4). When both parties of the marriage do not take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it;  the other does not take on enough an becomes self-centered or controlling. (page 9, paragraph 4)

My marriage is exactly like this.   Everything is my responsibility.  The house, the kids, the finances... I am even responsible for how he is, feels, and does...  Resentment was so heavy that I began to complain outwardly.  This was built up over many and many years.

When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love, when they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. (page 9)

Fear is a big word in my house. Criticism was a frequent visitor; He practically controlled every movement of everyone in the house. No one ever knew how his anger or attitude was going to manifest, so it was best to just stay away or not do anything so as not to get criticized.  It is not like most of the time he was physically abusive.  In the beginning, he was abusive to me 3 times.  A phone call to the Sheriff put an end to that.  I know he was very abusive to my oldest daughter, though not in front of me.  My last 4 told me of times when he was abusive to them.  But he was ALWAYS emotionally abusive.  Nothing was ever good enough.  Too tall, too short, too straight, too crooked, too hard, too soft, you never knew what to do and when.  I never made my kids do too much then, because I felt the same.  Now, unfortunately, they are afraid to ask for things; for help; to approach people for what they want or need; they fear conflict.  I know the feeling.

Setting boundaries is not learning to control someone else, or forcing them to mature.  The solution is learning self-control, of the the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23).  This means "taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing him or her.(page 11)

I have got to learn how to react and how not to react; what to put my foot down on, and what to let pass by. I have got to stand up and not let anyone degrade me, my children, and my God!

"Marriage is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity.  It is the mystery of living as one flesh with another human being (Eph 5:31-32).

Still co-dependent?

Today, I realized that I must still be co-dependent.  Though better than I was, I still have much learning to do.  As of June, 2012, I separated from my husband (again) and decided to focus on getting myself well.  But this time was to be different, and so far it has.  I will not allow my husband back into the house with me until he has proven self-sufficiency and that he can treat me with the respect I deserve.

For now, I am trying to learn to straighten up every aspect of my life that is a mess:  in other words, everything.  For over a year, the message stirring in my spirit is that I am not honoring God.  I don't honor him in my marriage.  I don't honor him in my housekeeping.  I don't honor him in the upbringing of my children.  I especially do not honor him in my finances.  I might slightly honor him in my work, but I don't give him credit for the work:  that is my source of pride and something that has been a stumbling block for me.

I read the following book in May, before I separated with my husband.  It helped me to feel empowered.  The only one to point any finger at is myself.  There is no reason my finances are in disarray, except me.  There is no reason that my children are disrespectful and have self-esteem problems, except me.  There is no reason my house is out of order, my children don't clean up after themselves, there is so much clutter, except me.  I am the root of all these problems, because I could have done something about it long ago, but instead I placed blame else where.

Boundaries in Marriage, Understanding the choices that make or break loving relationships, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Now, I plan on taking my life back and attempting to mend what I have allowed to be broken, including the hearts of my children.

It is very difficult when everyone you love treats you as though you did not matter.  I mean, why wouldn't they; that is what they saw their father do.  And I allowed it.

It is very difficult when everyone feels they don't have any responsibilities and it is all you.  Again, for the same reason, why wouldn't they.  Again, I allowed it.

I could go on and on, but I won't.

I began attempting to fix the areas of my life, with the guidance of the Lord.  Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps... it is very hard to achieve baby steps and fall back down sometimes.  I am almost finished with a Crown Financial class, but I will be taking it again.  I have learned a lot but nut sufficient.  Although my immediate debt is almost gone and my heart has changed regarding my money... It is actually the LORD's money.

I met someone along the way, but am no where near the place I need to be.  Neither is he.  But my mind will not let go.  I have grasped a hold of him in my heart and am practically addicted.  What on earth is wrong with me?

So, I figured I better take another look into the "Boundaries in Marriage" book.  I gleaned some of it, but looks like it is time to get some nuggets now.

I Feel Messages

The purpose of the "I Feel Messages" is to be able to express feelings, not point blame. Blame puts people on the defensive side. They are also intended just to express, not to get someone to do something. Also, it is important to note that it is easy to make it seem like others are controlling your emotions. You don't want your children to feel scared that their behavior makes their mommy sad, or controlling people to feel satisfied that their behavior has made you angry. It is a very delicate balance and takes wisdom and patience. I have many examples on the resource page.

Dr. Larry Alan Nadig, Ph. D, a Clinical Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist, says that the purpose of "I Feel Messages" is to:

• Express feelings productively.
  
• Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
  
• Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
  
• Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
  
• Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
  
• Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
  

Since "I Feel Messages" were merely intended to give someone the tools of expressing their feelings without appointing blame, then, no action is required. It is not to be a way of trying to get someone to do something, or change something. Unexpressed feelings build up and can cause stress and other emotional problems. Emotions should be expressed, but how you express them is what matters. You have a right to express them, but not violate someone else's personal rights in the process. See the resource page for "Personal Bill of Rights". You have a right to them, and so does the person you are expressing your feelings to.

Rori Raye is a relationship expert. She says that too often women express their feelings with an expected outcome. But we should get things off our chest in a mirror or a journal. We should express our state of feeling. It merely says how we feel about specific things. It doesn't assign blame.

Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., says that the "I Feel Messages" are often being used now to manipulate or control others. The purpose of these messages are to express what you feel. Not to express what you want others to do. Those goals can be achieved other ways, which she discusses more in-depth on this website. When it is your child that you want to do something, it is not proper to say "I feel very sad when you get C's on your report card". That puts too much pressure. And ultimately, that is saying someone else is controlling your feelings. In this article, the author does give examples of how to solve the other issues related to getting children to do what is expected of them. But "I feel messages" are not them. Also, she adds a very important point: Using I feel messages to achieve a specific result "assumes that the other person cares more about your feelings than about whatever satisfaction he gets from continuing to behave the way he’s behaving."

This website on anger counseling for children shows that with anger, there are only 3 ways of dealing with it:

1. "acting out" verbally or physically
2. "acting in" by holding it in until you explode
3. or numbing it by turning to external source for escape. This is like drugs, alcohol, sex, over-eating, work, etc

Assertive Ness for Children iMessages Communication Skills Peaceful Solutions - Conflict Resolution and violence prevention strategies Dr Nadig's Feelings Anger Counseling for Children Get your Angries out Google Search

Recovery from Codependency

Because many feel that codependency has its roots in the same spot as alcoholism and drug abuse, they feel that the 12-step recovery plan from Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous actually coined the term codependency. It is their understanding that the alcoholics are not the only part of the problem, it is the people who enable them. It is the network of people that the Alcoholics have built up. The addict must either break free from the network, or those in the network must change in order to support the changes of the alcoholic. So they created support groups called Al-anon and Al-a-Teen. This is a great place to start.

Here are some other things:

1. Focus for a while on YOU. Things are not going to get better until you conquer this, even if it is a little at a time. Realize that you must accept people as they are. You cannot change them, they must do this for themselves. And it is not your responsibility to change them. What you are actually doing is keeping them just as they are.
2. Get some help from a therapist if possible.
3. Find a support group, or just support from friends.

Al-anon -- Find a Meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

ORLANDO (407) 765-5513 Includes Literature Distribution Center services.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-florida/76-ais-fl/53-orlando

DISTRICT 10 AIS OFFICE OF CENTRAL FLORIDA
PO BOX 568854
ORLANDO
FL
32856-8854
USA

aisorlando@hotmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
(407) 765-5513
http://www.alanon-orlando.com


Online meeting http://www.ola-is.org/


seminole county
http://www.northfloridaal-anondistrict6.org/meetings.html

4. Build your self-esteem - self-love is a basic need. And, as in Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, self-actualization cannot be attained without it.
5. DEVELOP A DAILY SPIRITUAL SIDE. I know that this is hard for many to believe, but it has been proven time and again that people who PARTICIPATE in a church are more happy, successful, emotionally whole. If you have any inclinations at all, start going to church and meeting up with church people. It has often been said that codependents cannot be spiritual because they are at such unrest, untrust.
6. Learn about setting healthy boundaries. Assure that these boundaries are met, and enforce them.
7. Learn how to give "I feel" messages. Everyone has a right to their opinion and a right to be heard. The way you express those feelings can affect the way people listen. If you say "I feel" in front of them, you are not pointing fingers and putting others on the defensive.

Time for some deep reflection

I do find it very odd that me and all of my sisters made the same choice. I have three sisters. We all married men that had some form of chemical addiction and were abusive, whether physically, verbally or emotionally. I believe that all of us had physically abusive partners, but one of might have avoided that portion. I am not sure.

I had to take some time just to reflect on my childhood. Hopefully this would explain some things to me. Click here for these reflections.

Since then, I spent a lifetime, I think, just trying to be the best that I can be in my personal goals, and in my character.

I have reached for more than my family predecessors, and I desire to reach for more. What I mean by this, is that I had goals and worked to attain them. I played sports all through Jr High and High School. I went to college right out of high school and graduated with my Bachelor's Degree with a 3.2 average at 21, while being a single parent. I worked as a computer programmer analyst for 12 years, and a Math/Algebra Teacher for 7.

Part of my character is to be nice to people and to help people when they need help, even if they do not deserve it. But, I do find that people tend to take advantage of this. So I have been taken advantage of. But oddly, I have only been taken advantage of by a few men who I decided to make a commitment to.

I had to take some time just to reflect on my boyfriends. Hopefully this would explain some more. Click here for these reflections.

This led me to my current husband. Now I have a whole lot of reflection.Click here for these reflections.

My christian walk had been making changes in my heart, and the holy spirit was the author of all those changes. I went from cocky to mostly humble. I went from know-it-all, to not knowing anywhere near enough of what really matters. Workaholic to lover of my family. The changes went on and on. I could no longer watch the shows I used to watch, listen to the music I used to listen to, participate in the activities I used to participate in. I look back and it is so hard to believe the person I used to be and the person I am now. Granted, maturity also went along with that. I grew up. Parenthood also got the best of me, as my children are God's greatest gifts and I wanted to bring them up in the Lord.

I went to counseling with the church about 10 years ago. My 12 year old was just a few months old. We attended

Signs of Codependency

Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse Site


Dr. Irene has a website that completely covers her work with people who are codependent. This is a great website. It helped me to see alot of the mistakes that I have made. Yes, i have made a lot of mistakes. I am not a victim, I have enabled this whole thing and could have made the hard but necessary choices to make changes or to leave. But instead, I chose to keep my eyes shut and not do anything. My life was calling out to me over and over again, and I shut it out.

There are a lot of codependent people who write in, and she makes comments to their writing to help them to see what they need to change. She is awesome. This particular page that I linked to list a lot of symptoms of codependency.

Causes of Codependency

My discussion with my therapist went well. He brought up narcissism and enabling, boundaries, and self-esteem. I began doing some of my own research. I bought books and I also began researching different things on the internet.


Breaking free from the codependency trap, by Janae and Barry Weinhold, copyright 1989.

After the first meeting with him, I bought this book on codependency. I read it for hours and hours.

It really upset me for the most part. They believe that 98% of Americans are co-dependant. Then they continue to discuss people who have absolutely no self-esteem and pathetic little clingy lives. They describe controlling, anger-filled people who have no clue how to communicate, and that cling to people who completely mistreat them. But their case studies often did not fill that picture, so it was kind of confusing in that respect. The case studies seemed to help.

Next, they explained all of these issues with people as a fact of either not bonding sufficiently with their mother from the ages of birth to 3, and/or not separating sufficiently from their mother (a product of not bonding with their father). This is referred to as Attachment Theory.

The Attachment Theory is often combined with Object Relations Theory, and even these authors were not exempt from that issue in their lives. In Object Relations Theory, "the way we relate to people (and situations) in our adult world was programmed into us by the way we experienced our parents when we were infants.”

Common sense says that most of this must be true. However, again I believe that it is taken to an extreme. Much to the chagrin of our authors, I think many people catch up some of their emotional discrepancies in their adult life automatically. Not everyone, and not all catching up is done, but in many people I believe that it is. The authors do allude to the fact that many people unknowingly keep going through things in their life because deep inside they need to keep doing it until they progress past the stage that they haven't conquered yet.

I did like some of the case studies of the book. I could relate to many of them. But many others seemed to attribute problems to their parents putting too many limits on them, not giving enough love, anger at parents, etc. And the only way to sufficiently fix the problem was to have the person go through that stage of their child hood and complete the steps that were necessary to move them in to the next stage. This might even include bottle feeding, hugging, rocking, singing a lullaby. This really made me want to puke.

To be honest, it sure seemed like a lot of psycho-analytical bull crap!

Also, they believe that we have been conditioned out of showing our feelings. Anger is bad. Saying no is bad, for women anyway. But, they maintain that every feeling should be expressed. I am not sure I agree with this. I know we are conditioned in a lot of ways, however, I also believe that we need limits and need to learn to control our emotions. For example, it appears like our authors would have you believe that it is okay to throw a temper tantrum for not getting a piece of candy. Or, perhaps, our children should be just given everything when ever they ask so as to avoid any pitfalls of accidentally injuring our children's psyche. I know that sounds like sarcasm, but honestly, after reading the book it seems like that is what they feel. I mean, come on, 98% of our population is codependent? Did you look at the list of signs for codependency..... check out my next blog...

Our authors did speak about projecting themselves onto others. I have experienced that portion.

In my case, I believe that my husband is falsely seeing things in me that are actually projections of himself. For example, he seems to think that I am the one that lies, cheats, steals, judges, and had problems dealing with others. On the contrary, I make friends easily and most people seem to like me. I am quite honest, am careful not to take advantage of others, and don’t believe in stealing. Once upon a time, I did what many still do: I brought home pens and pencils and supplies here and there from work. Even that has stopped. But all of these things are so true of my husband. My biggest problem, I think, is that I have enabled everything in him. I keep feeling that I don’t want my children taken away from their father, and I feel that their father will eventually change. But I did not realize the magnitude of affects this was having on them.


To get a better feel for the noted causes for codependency, see this page.

Look at the page I wrote on what I believe is the cause of much of societies issues.

I do believe that we have stages of maturity and development, I studied a lot of psychology and human development in my master's studies when I was teaching. And I believe that we come into each stage differently, and often cannot continue completely in the next stage until we complete other stages. But honestly, bottle feeding? Lullaby?

Of all the things that I read, about 3% of the book applied to me. Maybe I am in denial a bit.